How to call The Cops
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.   He phoned the police who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said "No". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed.  Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
> 
> (True Story)   I LOVE IT

       CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth
after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

                                                        Hymns for Her

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

 DO NOT BRING PLANTS IN THE HOUSE DURING COLD WEATHER!!!

Never bring outdoor plants into the house.

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

                                                    Here's why.........

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them
from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream! The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance..

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.

He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone
and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.

He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street.

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when he shot her.

                            Dear Wife

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show
for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today, and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new
hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of
silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straight
to sleep after watching all your soaps. You don't tell me you love me
anymore, you don't want to have sex anymore or anything. Either your
cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I'm
gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a
far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week. The first thing that came to mind was, "you look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything it you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating steak seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those silk boxers on because the
price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my
sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning...and your
silk boxers were $49.99.

After all of this I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have a fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Rich and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Bobbi, my sister, was born Robert. I hope that's not a problem.

                                 The Husband Store!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, Where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .you may
choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor,
but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 -These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 -
These men have jobs, love the Lord, love, kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012th to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that woman are impossible
to please.

Thank you! for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit
the building, and have a nice day!

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