A Varity Of Jokes

How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a" Leah?? NO Lee - A?? NOPE Lay - a?? NO Lei?? Guess Again. This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha". When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent." SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.. STAY ALERT! They walk among us......and they VOTE AND THEY APPARENTLY ALL GET ELECTED!!!

Pumphandle Subject: So Simple We Should Have Known! It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit. A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op. The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves. No one produced anything. No one earned anything... However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, my dear friends, is how a " stimulus package " works. LEXIPHILES To write with a broken pencil is pointless. When fish are in schools they sometimes take de-bate. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. The batteries were given out free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist married.. They fought tooth and nail. A will is a dead giveaway. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under. A boiled egg is hard to beat. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Acupuncture: a jab well done Goat in the well Murphy and O'Brien go out into the woods, they come across a clearing and see an abandoned well. Murphy said, 'I wonder how deep that well is?' 'There's one way we could figure it out,' says O'Brien. Murphy asked, 'What's that?' O'Brien replies, 'We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that times 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of the well'. Murphy says, ' What are you going to drop down it?' Then O'Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground. Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, 'One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three...SPLASH!!!! Murphy said, 'Three seconds!' 'Quick, multiply that times 32 feet per second squared !' O'Brien said. '288 feet!', Murphy exclaimed. 'Subtract a little for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep'. As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, 'LOOK OUT!!' and he pushed O'Brien backwards as a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well. Murphy said, 'My God, I've never seen anything like that'. Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, 'What's going on here boys?' O'Brien says, 'We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.' The farmer said, 'Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats.' 'How do you know it wasn't?' asks O'Brien. And the farmer says, 'Because all of my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.' Justice Triumphs A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client, who had attended the trial, was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading, "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back, "Appeal at once!" Explaining the Flag A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!" Two Priests on Vacation Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?" "Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"

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