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Blond Joke

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A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she's

had no lessons nor prior experience. Mounting the horse it

immediately springs into motion. Galloping along at a steady

and rhythmic pace the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
Fearful, she grabs for the horse's mane but can't seem to get

a firm grip so she wraps her arms around it's neck.

The horse gallops along with it's inexperienced rider. Finally,

giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to jump from the

horse. Unfortunately her foot has become entangled in the

stirrup. At the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves, only

inches from her head. Battered and only moments away
from unconsciousness, as her head bounces over the ground,

her luck changes.

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the

horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello................


>Atrucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said,
"I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running

boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went
to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered


What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair
of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2
slices of crisp bacon.

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment
and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?
> > >I LOVE THIS ONE.......... > > >She replied,
"I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

    FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS
    EVEN, AND the LAST WORD!

The Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box,
it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with
the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle
spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment,
then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no
matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces
into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says,
'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..'
he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

Subject: sick leave

>>> I urgently needed a few days off work. But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' Then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be alight bulb, so, that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing? ' I told him I was a light bulb.'

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office... When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, ' And where do you think you're going?!'

She said,... ... . 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark

The Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the

driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly

but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along

with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and

down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while

so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more'

I asked, What do you mean there's more.

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have

TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her

how she knew. She said....

(You're going to love this!)

'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had

a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'

LOGIC

    Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
    The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'


SPEEDING TICKET

    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
    She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

    There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
    The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTORS OFFICE

    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
    'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
    The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
    'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
    'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
    Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
    'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
    A Russian, and an American, and a Blon de were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
; ;   The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
    The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
    The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
    To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'&a mp;nbs p;
    She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

    A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.   Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond.  'They're watch dogs!'

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
 February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
                 labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!
 March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 
             months.....box said "2-4 years!"
 April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!
 May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of 
          water won't fit into those little packets!!!
 June - Tried to go water skiing...couldn't find a lake with a slope.
 July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the 
           other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
 August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped 
            because soft-top was open.
 September - The capital of California is"C".....isn't it???
 October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
 November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...instructions said 1 hour 
                     per pound and I weigh 108!!
 December - Couldn't call 911 ..."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

 Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar at 9:58 PM. He sat 
down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story 
of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money......

  A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering,
and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was
most at ease.
        "Would you mind telling me, doctor," she asked, "how you
detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
         "That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question
which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they
hesitate, that puts you on the right track."
        "What sort of question would you ask, doctor?"
        "Well, I might ask him... "Captain Cook made three trips
around the world and died during one of them. Which one?"
         The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous
laugh - "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must
confess I don't know much about history."
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