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A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she's
had no lessons nor prior experience. Mounting the horse it
immediately springs into motion. Galloping along at a steady
and rhythmic pace the blonde begins to slide from
the saddle.
Fearful, she grabs for the horse's mane but can't seem to
get
a firm grip so she wraps her arms around it's neck.
The horse gallops along with it's inexperienced
rider. Finally,
giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to jump from
the
horse. Unfortunately her foot has become entangled in the
stirrup. At the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves, only
inches from her head. Battered and only moments away
from unconsciousness, as her head bounces over the ground,
her luck changes.
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs
the
horse.
And you thought all they did was say Hello................
>Atrucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said,
"I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went
to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered
What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair
of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2
slices of crisp bacon.
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment
and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?
> > >I LOVE THIS ONE.......... > > >She replied,
"I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS
EVEN, AND the LAST WORD!
The Puzzle
A blonde calls her boyfriend and
says, 'Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw
puzzle, and I can't figure out
how to get
started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it
supposed to be when it's
finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to
the picture on the box,
it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over
and help with
the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him
where she has the puzzle
spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a
moment,
then looks at the box, then
turns to her and says, 'First of
all, no
matter what we do, we're not
going to be able to assemble
these pieces
into anything resembling a
rooster.'
He takes her hand and says,
'Second, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of tea,
and then ..'
he said with a deep sigh, . .. .
. . .. .
'Let's
put all the Corn Flakes back in
the box.'
Subject: sick leave
>>>
I urgently needed a few days off
work. But, I knew the Boss would
not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted
'Crazy' Then he would tell me to
take a few days off. So, I hung
upside-down on the ceiling and
made funny noises.
My co-worker
(who's blonde) asked me what I
was doing. I told her that I was
pretending to be alight bulb,
so, that the Boss might think I
was 'Crazy' and give me a few
days off.
A few minutes
later the Boss came into the
office and asked, 'What in the
name of good GOD are you doing?
' I told him I was a light
bulb.'
He said,
'You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days.'
I jumped down
and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde)
followed me, the Boss asked her,
' And where do you think you're
going?!'
She said,...
... . 'I'm going home too. I
can't work in the dark
>
The Pregnant Blonde
The other day my neighbor,
who is blonde, came running
up to me in the
driveway jumping for joy! I
didn't know why she was
jumping so excitedly
but I thought, 'what the
heck', and I starting
jumping up and down along
with her.
She said, 'I have some
really great news!
I said, 'Great. Tell me why
you're so happy.'
She stopped jumping and
breathing heavily from all
the jumping up and
down, told me that she was
pregnant. I knew she'd been
trying for a while
so I told her, 'That's great
I couldn't be happier for
you!'
Then she said, 'There's
more'
I asked, What do you mean
there's more.
She said, 'Well, we are not
having just one baby. We are
going to have
TWINS!'
Amazed at how she could know
so soon after getting
pregnant, I asked her
how she knew. She said....
(You're going to love this!)
'Well,
that was the easy part. I
went to
Sam's Club
and they actually had
a home pregnancy kit in a
TWIN-pack. Both tests came
out positive!'
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTORS OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, and an American, and a Blon de were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
; ; The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
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January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing...couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped
because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is"C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!
December - Couldn't call 911 ..."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar at 9:58 PM. He sat
down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story
of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money......
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering,
and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was
most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, doctor," she asked, "how you
detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question
which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they
hesitate, that puts you on the right track."
"What sort of question would you ask, doctor?"
"Well, I might ask him... "Captain Cook made three trips
around the world and died during one of them. Which one?"
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous
laugh - "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must
confess I don't know much about history."
>
A blonde has the longest password! She was told it had to have 5 characters
and a capital! She picked, Mickey. Minnie. Daffy, Pluto, Goofy and Sacramento.
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed
a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luck......ier when I'm
completely nude. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new
clothes! As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..
YES! YES! I WON, I WON! She hugged each of the dealers and
then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.. The dealers
stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,What did she
roll? The other answered, I don't know - I thought you were watching.
MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are drunks. Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men... are men.
After a bizarre cliff side accident, all eleven members of the women's
outing found themselves hanging perilously from a rope over the edge
of the cliff. Ten of the women were blondes and one was a brunette.
After dangling there for a only a short while it became obvious that the
rope would not hold all their collective weight. They decided that to
prevent the rope snapping and killing them all, one of them must sacrifice
themselves and let go, to save the others.
Well they talked about it for a while but no-one could decide a fair
way of of choosing who should jump. Finally, the brunette, exasperated
by the indecisiveness of the blondes, could see that if nobody acted
soon the rope was going to snap.
To save the others she bravely decided that it must be her who made the
sacrifice. She plucked up a little courage and told the others that she
would jump to save them.
After giving a short but very moving speech that she hoped would be
remembered after she'd gone, the blondes were so moved that they
all started clapping!
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent
replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
There are two
blondes and a
brunette on an
island. One of
the blondes
finds a bottle
and a genie pops
out. The genie
says he will
grant them one
wish each (you
get the
picture)...
The first blonde
says, "I need to
get off this
island, I wish
for a rowboat."
With a flash, a
rowboat appears
and she rushes
out into the
ocean.
The second
blonde says, "I
need to get off
this island, I
need jetski"
With a flash, a
jetski appears
and she rushes
out into the
ocean, soon
overtaking the
first blonde.
The genie looks
enquiringly
toward the
brunette, who
with raised
eyebrows, smiles
and says," Just
give me a
million dollars,
I'll take the
bridge."
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