I was driving
with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the
convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I
was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back
seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
On the first
day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother.
The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily
those of his parents."
A woman was
trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the
phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the
phone. "Mommy
can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
A little boy
got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he
was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement
and then
asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy
While taking
a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted
by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my
uniform, she
asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued
writing the
report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the
police. Is
that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she
said as she
extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
It was the
end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I
gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a
little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?"
he
asked. "It
sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then
towards the
back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
While working
for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I
used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly
the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for
the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The
tooth fairy
will never believe this!"
A little girl
was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning
his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not,
darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the
While walking
along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning
of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
5-year-old
son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial
should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then
dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The
minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and
with
sonorous
dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always
said: "Glory
be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he
A little girl
had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she
said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they
A little boy
opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the
old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object
and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in
between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called
out. "What
have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he
answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
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A Mom was concerned about
her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want
his mother to walk with him.
She
wanted to give him the feeling that
he had some independence but yet
know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle
it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest,
if she would please follow him to
school
in
the mornings, staying at a distance,
so he probably wouldn't notice her.
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she
was up early with her
toddler anyway, it would be a good
way for them to get
some
exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest
and her little girl, Marcy, set
out following behind Timmy as he
walked to
school with another neighbor boy
he knew. She did this for the whole
week.
As the boys walked and chatted,
kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's
little friend noticed the same lady
was following
them
as she seemed to do every day all
week. Finally he said to Timmy,
"Have you noticed that lady
following us
to
school all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I
know who she is".
The friend said, "Well, who is
she"?
"That's just Shirley Goodnest",
Timmy replied, "and her
daughter Marcy".
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is
she and why is she following us"?
"Well", Timmy explained, "every
night my Mom makes me say the
23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she
worries about
me so
much. And in the Psalm, it says,
'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall
follow me all the days of my life',
so I guess I'll just have to get
used to it"!
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Children's Ideas About
Marriage |
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How do you decide who to marry? You got to find somebody
who likes the same stuff. If you like sports, she should
like it that you like sports and she should keep the chips
and dip coming. Alan, age 10 |
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No person really decides before they grow up who they're
going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to
find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10 |
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What is the right age to get married?
Twenty -three is the best age because you know the person
forever by then.---Camille, age 10.
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to
get married. Freddie, age 6 |
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How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids. ---Derrick, age8
What do you think your mom and dad have in common?
Both don't want any more kids. Lori 8
What do most people do on a date? Dates are for having
fun and people should use them to get to know each other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 On the
first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10 |
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're
stupid,
stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher
said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No,
ma'am, but I
hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
cold cream
on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To
make myself
beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the
cream with a
tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving
up?"
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying
attention in
class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2
and 4 and 28
and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN
and the
Cartoon Network!"
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to
their local
police station where they saw pictures tacked to a
bulletin board of
the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters
pointed to a
picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted
person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very
badly to capture
him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when
you took his
picture?"
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For all of you who thought you knew the Bible, this
is an explanation by a child that you may never have
heard before!
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad
apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable(so sayeth Howie!) after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
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WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads ?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
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Back To Comical |
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