This joke was nominated for best joke of the year.

A Russian arrives in New  York City as  a new immigrant to the United
States .   He stops the first person he sees walking down the  street and
says, Thank you Mr. American for  letting me into this country, giving me
housing,  food stamps,  free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are  mistaken, I am a Mexican."
 
The  man goes on and encounters another  passerby.   "Thank  you for
having such a beautiful country here  in America ."  The  person says, "I
not American, I  Vietnamese."
 
The  new arrival  walks farther, and the next person he sees he  stops,
shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for  wonderful     America !"  That
person puts up his hand and says, "I am  from     Middle East . I am not
American."  He  finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an  American?"
 She says, "No, I am  from Africa ."  Puzzled, he asks her,  "Where are
all the Americans?"
 The African lady checks her  watch and says, "Probably at  work."

FOR ALL YOU LADIES

Great advice to Pass on to Your Daughters

1.Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2.What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3.If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4.Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5.Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6.Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7.Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8.Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9.Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10.Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11.If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. he children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical 

times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means 
that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal...

 Mean Old Woman
 
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each 
other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep 
into the night. 

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the 
grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" 

Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place 
in their neighborhood. 

The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a 
heart attack when he was 68. 

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight 
home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. 

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he 
may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and 
haunt you for the rest of your life?" 

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried 
upside down. 

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