| Jokes Page 4 |
THE SOUTH . . . YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!!
TENNESSEE . . .
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said: "You graduated from the University of Tennessee, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied: "Everything but my earrings."
ALABAMA . . .
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there, and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
TEXAS . . .
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked: "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"
"Yep", he replied; "that's why I'm dumpin it here . . . it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."
LOUISIANA . . .
A senior at LSU was overheard saying . . . "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
MISSISSIPPI . . .
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy: "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied: "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered: "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number."
GEORGIA . . .
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked: "Got any I.D.?"
The driver replied: "Bout whut?"
NORTH CAROLINA . . .
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied: "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked: "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded: "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither."
AND THIS FROM SOUTH CAROLINA . . .
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North
Grandma Is Off Her Rocking Chair
In the dim and distant past, When life's tempo wasn't fast, Grandma used to rock and knit, Crochet, tat and baby-sit. When the kids were " in a jam ",You could always count on Gram. In the age of gracious giving, Grandma was the gal for giving.
Grandma is now at the gym, Exercising to keep slim. She's out golfing with the bunch, Taking clients out to lunch. Going south for sun and surf, Seeking more exciting turf. Nothing seems to stop or block her, Now that Grandma's Off her rocker.
BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller:I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one
of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the
opener. I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that
time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO,
it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said,
'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just
give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked
me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said
"We're sorry but we can't do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign
on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
>From Kingman , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person
behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only
had iceberg lettuce.
>From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To
which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled
knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I
was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I
knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when
the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people
doing driving?!'
She is a probation officer in Wichita,KS
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the
company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is
fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at
each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for
the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn
on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING :
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car,
we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and
found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver ' s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician,
'it's open!' His reply, 'I know.. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi
Caution... They Walk Among Us!
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Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
***They walk amongst us!***
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*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where'
***They walk among us!!***
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'
***They Walk Among Us!!***
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
***They Walk Among Us!!!!***
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head' I ?had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned....
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet'...?
(I work with professionals like this.)
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***
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While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!
Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce?!!!!
And..They obviously vote in presidential elections and all are Democrats !!!!!