A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a

patient , "How did you get here?  What was the nature of your

illness?"  He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I go married and I guess I should never

have done it.  I married a widow with a grown daughter who then

became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter,

then married her.  And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.

Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-

law since he is the half-brother of my step-daughter, who is now, of

course my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was

at once my stepmother!  Now, since my new son is brother to my

stepmother, he also became my uncle.  As you know, my wife is my

step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother.  Don't forget

that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.  Remember, too, that I am my

wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more.  You see, since I'm married to my

step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but

I am also my own grandfather.  Now can you understand how I got put in

this place?"

After staring blankly with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied:

"Move over!"

                                A Drunk Baptized

   A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when
he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps
into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost
overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the
drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher
grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
"Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him
into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have
you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the
drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down
for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms
and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of
God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says
to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Fall Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, Oct 30, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.


No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn!

  With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old &feeble.
  We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
  $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient.There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
  To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
  For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
  It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii ? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
   TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
   The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
  And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.
   The grandkids can use the pool.
   What more can you ask for?
   So, when we reach that golden age, we'll face it with a grin.

                              Good Clean Fun

 A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and raninto

the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,

'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
 

  Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
   

   A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


 A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turnthem! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to
get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen To me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't  know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied,

'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

In Florida , an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter
and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the
discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations
afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists
had no holiday to celebrate.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long
passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and
declared, 'Case dismissed!'

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your
honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have
Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom
Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such
holiday!'

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your
client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own
atheists' holiday!'

The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such
holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'

The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same
date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools
Day,' consider  that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart,
there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no
God, then by scripture,he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now
have a good day and get out of my courtroom!!

 

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