he went up and knocked on the door. 

 

       "Anybody home?" he asked.

       "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

       "Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

       "Pa?  Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said

        the kid.

       "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the

        tourist.

       "Ma?  Nope, she left just afore I got here,"

        said the kid.

       "But," protested the Yankee, "are you never

        together as a family?"

        "Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door.

 

      "This is the outhouse!" --

 

You gotta love country humor and problem solving. 
                      
Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a wee k, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.'

'I'll sleep on it,' said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' asked the psychiatrist.

'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!  A bartender cured me for $10.  I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!'

 

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of
church services, when she was startled by an intruder.
>
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and
yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of
Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
>
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police
and explained what she had done.
>
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the
burglar: 'Why did
you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
you.'*
>
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two
>38s!'*
>
>

 
 
                              Post Operative........ A letter carrier.

                    Recovery Room....Place to do upholstery.

                         
                           Secretion..................Hiding something

                   
                    Tablet.......... ……A small table to change babies on.

                   
                     Seizure........ Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.

Terminal Illness....Getting sick at the train station.

Tumor…………..More than one.

        Urine…………...Opposite of mine.

Varicose………..Near by

Hospital……….The biggest building in town, other than Joe's

feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.

 

                               The Republican Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her

altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Liberal Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're

going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and youexpect me to solve your problem.
 

You're in exactly the same position youwere in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

             You know that you attend a redneck church when:

         The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows  how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish and what bait was used.

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering and five guys and two women stand up.

Opening of the deer season is recognized as a church holiday.

The choir is known as the "O K Chorale"

Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion..

ln a congregation of 500 there are only seven last names in the church directory.

There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor howling.

People think "rapture" is something you get when you try to lift something heavy.

For baptisms they use a #2 galvanized washtub.

The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

                                                          Class Assignment

 

                                       Country Funeral Story
 

As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director to hold
a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The
funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this
man would be the first to be buried there.

 I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost.
 Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my
tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the
vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up
for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour
out my heart and soul. As I preached about "looking forward to a brighter
tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come," the workers began to say "Amen,"
"Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" The fervor of these men truly inspired me.
So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way
from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and
walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard
one of the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that
before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!"
 

                                           Broke


Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be Confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said
the young man. "If I could take a couple of Minutes of your time, I would
like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go
away!" I said.. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to
close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at Least
seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure on to my hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove
all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." I stepped
back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut
off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not
understand?"
 

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick.
 His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
 One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
 It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. 
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
 returned home from school.Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2
 hours late getting home?', they asked.'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project'said
 Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
 'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. ''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking
 him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
 'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John.'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right
 that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with
Tommy. After all, He is your son!' The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three
 times

              
                       How Old Is Grandpa?

 
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current
events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the
shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. 

The Grandfather replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born
before: television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox,
contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There were no: credit cards,
laser beams or ball-point pens. 

Man had not invented: pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes
dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man
hadn't yet walked on the moon. 

Your Grandmother and I got married first, . .And then lived together. 

Every family had a father and a mother. 

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'. And after I
turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.' 

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare
centers, and group therapy. 

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and
common sense.. 

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to
stand up and take responsibility for our actions. 

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
bigger privilege. 

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. 

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. 

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening
breeze started. 

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and
weekends-not purchasing condominiums. 

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters,
yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. 

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches
on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out
listening to Tommy Dorsey. 

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. 

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. 

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. 

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and
10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a
Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could
spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. 

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . .. . But who could afford
one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon..

In my day: "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink,
"pot" was something your mother cooked in and "rock music" was your
grandmother's lullaby. "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
"chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
"software" wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe
that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a
generation gap... And how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock! Read on to
see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same
time. Are you ready ?????




This man would be only 53 years old!

                              

                           The Dumbest Kid In Town

 

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer

'This is the dumbest kid in town.... watch while I prove it to you.'

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks

'Which do you want, son?' The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

'Hey, son!  May I ask you a  question... why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's!

 

 

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